Publisher's summary Edit
This is the last time I ever listen to you.
- Panda travels through time using a Time Scrunchy.
- Panda communicates with his previous self through Skype.
- Panda gets stuck in a Tim War.
- Iris picks up a canteen of cutlery from John Lewis.
- Iris winds up joining the Sisterhood of Karn, who sing "Sacred Fire, Sacred Flame!".
- Iris holds a party in Hobbe's End which Jenny Winterleaf, Barbra, Mida Slike, Tom, Mr Darcy, Heathcliff, Noël Coward, Marlene Dietrich, those blonde alien boys with the blue eye shadow, Dusty Springfield, the girl from "Upstairs Downstairs", Robin Hood, Zenith the Albino, Catweazle and his giant green ball bag, the Parisian Countess, Blakey from "On the Buses", Cagney and Lacey, the giant head of Mr Derek from the Year 5 Billion, several synthetic men, the Cosmic Puppet Master, Fox and Magda Soames, Kristoff Alucard, Professor Challenger, Mrs Hudson, Doctor Van Helsing, the King of Spin-Off Fiction, Vince Cosmos, Poppy Munday, Mrs Wibbsey, The Organ Thief, his hunchbacked boyfriend, Pan's People, T.S. Eliot, Ngaio Marsh and her giant wasp, Peter Cushing, Brenda and Effie, Samantha the Gestalt Entity, PAND-R, Marco Polo, Mrs Claus and all her elves, and someone who looks a lot like Nerys Hughes all attend.
- The story is written as a series of letters between Iris and Panda, each of which details their involvement in a televised episode of Doctor Who.
- Iris meets a lot of blond fellas who live in the woods together and wear a shocking amount of blue eyeshadow and not a lot else. (MOVIE]: Dr. Who and the Daleks).
- Panda meets a Countess who "looks a bit like the top totty out of Space 1999" and is "in the art business" in Paris, 1979. (TV: City of Death)
- Iris attends a secret summit full of space delegates including the "Prime Minister of the Solar System" who are planning to meet "evil alien robots from another galaxy." (TV: "Day of Armageddon")
- Panda visits Putney Common during the 22nd century, and a flying saucer lands. (TV: The Dalek Invasion of Earth)
- Iris joins a cult obsessed with the ritualistic worship of fire and an elixir of life, and meets a Welsh surgeon and his hunchbacked boyfriend. (TV: The Brain of Morbius)
- Panda encounters dinosaurs and a fascist army general in 1974. (TV: Invasion of the Dinosaurs)
- Iris and some of the "fellas" with the blue eyeshadow and blonde wigs put on purple fur coats, hide exploding red handbags in trees, and have a disco beneath an ice volcano. (TV: Planet of the Daleks)
- Panda spends Christmas on a space cruise liner with a nice waitress who looked like that one off "Neighbors". (TV: Voyage of the Damned)
- Iris spends Christmas locked up in a police station with someone who looks like Jean Marsh. It's difficult to tell what's going on because the episode was junked and all that's left is the soundtrack and some black and white snaps. Someone does a toast through the fourth wall, and Iris escapes through it. (TV: The Feast of Steven)
- Panda meets a nefarious time traveller with marvellous boobs who opens a gay bathhouse in a small mining village, clones dinosaurs, and turns people into trees. (TV: The Mark of the Rani)
- Iris finds space cabbages buried in ice. (TV: The Seeds of Doom)
- On a mission for MIAOW, Panda gets sent to the universe of anti-matter, where he meets two other Pandas. (TV: The Three Doctors)
- Iris goes on a road trip with Marco Polo, as part of his harem. (TV: Marco Polo)
- Panda becomes involved with two old lesbians and a Neolithic stone circle in 1978. (TV: The Stones of Blood)
- With the help of a Professor, Iris sends a shrunk-down clone of herself into her brain to battle a possibly alien prawn. She takes PAND-R with her when she leaves. (TV: The Invisible Enemy)
- Panda's Time Scrunchy is intercepted by Iris's mysterious superiors, who put him on trial and try to make him do a DVD commentary for episodes of his own life. The same thing once happened to Iris. (TV: The Trial of a Time Lord)
- Panda visits the Tim War, which is going to be closed off to the public soon. (TV: Rose, et al.)
- Iris and PAND-R visit the Living City of the Sexxilons. (TV: Death to the Daleks)
- Panda returnes to "real, chronological time" (i.e. the '70s), where he witnesses four Scots suckling from the Loch Ness Monster. (TV: Terror of the Zygons)
- Crystalline robots keep Iris and other geniuses prisoner in "a kind of space-age call centre". (TV: The Krotons)
- Panda flees an Atrocious Snowman, several "Synthetic Men", and "something lissom in a leotard," and meets five versions of Iris, who were all transported by PAND-R using a pooper scooper. (TV: The Five Doctors)
- Iris encounters men in rubber suits and goes on a quest for five keys. (TV: The Keys of Marinus)
- Iris's mysterious superiors try to make Panda their Supreme Being, but he escapes with an Iris who looks like Jane Fonda (TV: The Five Doctors, PROSE: Femme Fatale)
- PAND-R takes Iris to a world where the Synthetic Men sleep in underground sarcophagi. (TV: The Tomb of the Cybermen)
- Panda and the other Iris are put through "lethal, dreamlike scenarios" by the Cosmic Puppet Master. (TV: The Celestial Toymaker)
- Panda and the other Iris investigate the origins of alternate universe Synthetic Men. (TV: Rise of the Cybermen, The Age of Steel)
- Panda has a space adventure where a very dirty spaceship is falling into the sun in a race against time. (TV: 42)
- Iris encounters an Egyptian sarcophagus which turns into a time tunnel. (TV: Pyramids of Mars)
- Panda's future Iris rides a horse, jumps through mirrors, fights clockwork fops, and has an affair with a young woman in a big frock. (TV: The Girl in the Fireplace)
- Iris encounters the Cosmic Puppet Master again in Blackpool. (PROSE: The Nightmare Fair / AUDIO: The Nightmare Fair)
- Panda thinks future Iris has blown up her mysterious superiors in the Tim War. (TV: The Day of the Doctor)
- Iris visits a holiday camp that turns out to be overrun with crabs. (TV: The Macra Terror)
- In the year 5 billion, Panda encounters an Earth colony resembling the M25 and the dying head of a future friend of Iris, an omnisexual agent. (TV: Gridlock)
- Iris joins a '70s Welsh hippy commune and synthesises foodstuffs from mushrooms. (TV: The Green Death)
- Panda meets a famous crime writer and a giant wasp. (TV: The Unicorn and the Wasp)
- During an adventure with MIAOW, PAND-R uses a serum to turn himself enormous and wreak some havoc, but Iris eventually comes to realise that he's just misunderstood. (TV: Robot)
- Panda encounters cavemen, and they're dirty. (TV: An Unearthly Child)
- Iris becomes embroiled in a Pseudo-Historical she calls "one of those future-fellas-visit-the-Middle-Ages-and-muck-about-with-stuff-affairs." (TV: The Time Meddler)
- Panda negotiates with a hairy, green, over-sized scrotum. (TV: The Creature from the Pit)
- In a junkyard in time, Iris encounters the spirit of her bus. She expected a spooky woman who would take responsibility for running away with her and for their adventures, but instead it resembles a Scot with a toothbrush moustache. (TV: The Doctor's Wife, AUDIO: Zagreus)
- Panda has been seeing the same phrase ("TIME GENTLEMEN, PLEASE") everywhere, like a message left for him across time. (TV: The Parting of the Ways)
- Panda meets a blue head in a box tells the future Iris that she'll soon face "The Penultimate Question." (TV: The Wedding of River Song)
- Iris encounters a man she thinks resembles Peter Cushing and reptile people at the Earth's core, but MIAOW wants to kill them. (TV: Doctor Who and the Silurians)
- Panda and his Iris try to kill Hitler, but instead meet Blakey off "On the Buses," whom they shove in a cupboard. (TV: Let's Kill Hitler)
to be added